"Staring in the mirror asking myself, why am I a lesbian?"


It's hard when people see you as such a happy, independent and life loving person. Which I am, but I feel I've suffered so much that I can't just be labelled as strong. I've worked so hard to be where I am and still battle with anxiety daily. April 2016 was when my mum found out that I was dating a girl, and was when I received texts stating "you're not being you", "you're disgusting" and that I was "being disrespectful to my dad and family and how dare I even bring her to my own birthday party". I received this message when I was out with my girlfriend driving home from the movies. She had to stop the car on the side of the road so I could have a panic attack and cry.

My relationship with my mother who I thought was my world had diminished. She decided to stop talking to me and told me I wasn't who she thought her daughter was. I wasn't living with my parents at the time but was living with my sister who I was so close with, my best friend and world. This was until she sent me a text saying "I don't appreciate you having your 'friend' over". I stated that I pay half the rent, so I can have whoever I want over. Whilst on my trip to the Philippines to escape the reality of coming out, I returned to Melbourne to find the apartment was empty. My sister had moved out with only a note remaining on the kitchen bench stating what she had taken and what belonged to me, no goodbye, nothing.

I cried for hours on the floor of what used to be our living room filled with memories. I had only months to figure out where I was going to live and how I was going to afford it. I was at the lowest point of my life and that's when you start to think is it worth it? Should I be loving a girl? My whole life is being affected by it.

I couldn't help crying every single day, not having any money for food and staring in the mirror asking myself, why am I a lesbian? I would stay in bed every single day, sleeping and miserable.

Fast forward to August, I finally found a one bedroom apartment, moved in with no money, no family, only me, and the love I still have for my partner. It was hard to release myself from the depression as I had never felt so lonely and anxious.

I'm not saying I'm the perfect child, but I don't do drugs, I have a full time job working with special needs children and I look after myself. I've never asked my parents for anything but acceptance. It still didn't matter if I was good on paper, my mum doesn't want to love the part of me, my sexuality, and that's something I'll have to deal with.

When people see me they think my life is so together, that I'm lucky and everything gets given to me. However, in reality I'm anxious, I was suicidal, I work full time with four jobs on the side to pay off debt and rent, and I don't have the relationship with my family that I'd like.

I am happy. I can truly say I'm happy and have my life together again, but it took more than a year to get here. I had to rely on my partner and friends to keep me alive and that's why I think Voice of Health is so important, and that we all have to listen to each other's story. It doesn't matter what you show on social media because we're all battling something that other people know nothing about.

It's been three years since my sister spoke to me.

My mother still doesn't approve of me.

I've been in love with Krystel for 4 years.

My name is Emilse San Roman, I'm 23 and this is my story.

#MentalHealth #Health #Love #Depression #LGBT #Anxiety #VoiceofHealth

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